in most cases by wishing death upon yourself you want the pain to end. when you feel no pain you feel comfort. or ease. or stagnation. but if religion is wrong then in nonexistence you wont even be able to feel the painlessness you've longed for. the pain is definitely gone but now the chemicals and processes and neurons in your brain that made you feel the pain and experience the comfort or stagnation you've felt however long of a time ago soak back into the earth as you rot under the ground. if religion is right then based on your choices and beliefs you may either have eternal painlessness and comfort and happiness or experience an eternity of pain or get reincarnated to feel pain in a different body, hopefully one that's less painful. depends on the correct religion.
just had a horrible nightmare after taking Zoloft and going to sleep. the first half i died in a plane crash and found out that non existence is a menu with a backdrop of a picture of a serene calm water and three buttons that say two country names and a button that says "Latin", presumably to choose where to be born again. the second dream involved me and my neighbors being robbed by a cannibal gang. the dream ended with me going into my closet and calling 911, only to meet their shitty pre recorded message menu. i was shaking from fear in the dream and woke up shaking in fear.
this reminds me of the first time i took zoloft. it was only 25mg, and i took it before i slept. i usually make up stories in my head until i slept, but this time whenever i tried to imagine the characters i would suddenly see them being gored and mutilated for a split second. this happened every 30 seconds or so. in short, take zoloft in the morning!so i had some flu like symptoms, chills, malaise, etc. i thought I might have something since i went outside for the first time in a while, then I remembered that i haven't been taking my zoloft for a while. similar things happened before so i decide to pop a pill and within MINUTES i feel better. chills are gone. it doesn't make sense. none of this makes sense. why do i have to be tweaking off zoloft
doing what the title says and other stuff like instruments and writing and listening to cum town. im squandering my summer break away (only been to 1 concert so far) and not doing anything productive for society and being a leech on my parents. bah. i had a job last summer but i dont feel like getting one this summer because i have really neglected doing anything and im probably too atrophied in everything to be worth paying for. what a kickass little life
ive been on zoloft for about 3 years now ever since ive been getting bad thoughts. but i still get bad thoughts every so often, so is it working? they ask me a couple basic questions, i answer, and they give me meds--all in under 5 minutes. they dont care about me.
i dont even know what its supposed to do. is it supposed to numb my thoughts and imagination to the point that i cant think bad thoughts? does it inject optimistic and hopeful thoughts into my head? i did a number on my arm when i was angry at myself and im pretty sure there was still sertraline still in my blood. i dont know im tired ill figure this out later
maybe i should start putting what time i wrote each thing ....... nah
i defeat myself
having some bad times again. the only time i get thoughts about harming myself is when i get angry at myself for something dumb or regrettable i did, like sleeping through an appointment that was at 8pm to get more 50mg pills of these lovely drugs. nothing nothingnothingnothing you dont care. man i love that band
expecting someone to comment "KILL YOURSELF" in big letters on my neocities page :>
anyways ive been going through some bitch ass stuff i wrote in a diary almost 3 years ago in high school and seeing how much ive changed. sometimes im like wow i would never say such emo shit like that today! but sometimes i see certain stuff and feel like im still the same, and wonder where i went wrong.
then i read an old cringy slash fanfiction i tried to write and physically cringed and decided that im gonna delete all of this. fuck the past...........
trying out a new format where the most recent entries are at the top. it was a bit easy to change with css
i only have one life. so maybe i should have an emo bitchass hairstyle for a couple months before i inevitably start balding
someone in my family talked down to me in a very sarcastic way and i dont know why i got so internally angry about it. i mean i did get angry at them by calling them a fucking asshole but its weird. like i used to play games with very toxic communities and most of the time none of that stuff got to me. but theres some times that it does and i just shut down like what happened earlier, sometimes less worse than things ive heard before. i dont fucking get it. but yeah it made me think selfviolent thoughts again. im pusspuss? yea
some people dont believe it but im not a depressed quiet shy bitch all the time. same goes for the alternative, where im loud and hyperactive and doing things before really thinking about it. im usually option 1 when im with people im not friends wiith and option 2 when im with family and close friends (REALLY close friends. dont really have those anymore). ocassionally i wonder which one of these is the real me, because a person is only everyone's thoughts about what they did or said.
...no shit. but am i who i am when i am alone? because i can be either of them. depends on my mood. i dunno. ill sleep it off.
havent updated this in a while! maybe thats a good thing. so what have i done? absolutely nothing of interest:
also im bad at talking to people alright thanks for tuning in!
i skipped taking my drug this morning yet this day was alright mood wise. i went outside into the public eye driving for the first time in a while, had some nice food, did some skatingboarding again for the first time this whole year (very shitfully), and settled down by watching a tv show. all in all a great day! i didn't really worry at all about the impending doom of my summer break ending
now this begs the question, what does zoloft exactly do? i still wonder. maybe it slows down your thinking so that you don't spiral as badly? i was pretty talkative today and could barely shut up. or maybe it just makes withdrawal symptoms when i get off of it so that it makes me come crawling back to the psychiatrist's office begging for a hit? that was kinda cynical. must've been my first cynical thought today. meh i dunno. im gonna sleep.
wait also i wanted to say that i noticed i cant orgasm under the effects of zoloft. alright bye!
haven't updated this in a while. maybe thats a good thing!
story for today: slept for a short 14 hours straight and missed morning, thus missing taking medicine. head go ouchie and feels like its cracking. wait for morning with intensified (though i have been thinking of it for a while even on meds) thoughts of carving something into my shoulder. as i write this it is morning and i have taken my delicious drugs. head isnt going ouchie anymore.